Professional Student of Life
Adventures in personal growth
If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark. ~ St. John of the Cross
Well, maybe it hasn't been a year, but it feels like it. Month after month I sit down to write, and each time I end up thinking.... maybe next month. One of the things I often tell people I coach is to follow their inner guidance. This is great when you clearly know what you want, but when you feel conflicted it usually translates into: Wait. And waiting is hard. The ego craves certainty, action, charging ahead. This has not been a year of charging ahead for me. This has been a year of taking baby steps in a number of directions and then waiting to see what unfolds. I’ve had an almost comical series of large, unexpected bills (most of them involving dentists or pets, and sometimes - just for variety - a combination of the two). I’ve been “let go” from a job for the first time in my life. I’ve had a letter from a collection agency over an issue I thought was resolved – also a first. I am dancing with the Universe in a whole new way this year! It actually feels pretty good. Security is always an illusion, anyway (although it’s a very comforting one). True security cannot come from an outside source: a relationship, job, or bank account. Real security comes from knowing in your bones that you are safe and loved, that there is a plan underneath the seeming chaos, and that all you ever need to do is to respond to the present moment with the best you have to give. The rest is out of your hands. I’m over trying to force my life in a certain direction. I like the feeling of drifting with the current – when I can quiet my ego, that is. My ego has a disconcerting tendency to shout things like “What a loser!” and “You’re going to end up on the streets!” at odd moments if I don’t keep an eye on it. In the past, I’ve used both physical and spiritual means to try to force my life to go the way I thought it should go. Of the two, the latter is much more dangerous. It involves seemingly healthy and evolved practices like visualizing, saying affirmations, and praying, but then puts them all in the service of the ego. We’re still trying to control what happens to us, but it’s all cloaked in a misty haze of spirituality. I’ve given up most of my spiritual “practice” this year, which scared me at first. I’m not reading many books nor taking any classes, not meditating (at least formally), not working any goals or affirmations. At first I thought – my ego thought – that I was taking a huge step backward and simply reverting to where I was before starting on this spiritual journey. Lately I’ve come to see it differently. I think (and hope) that I’m entering a sort of “post-spiritual” phase, rather than reverting to an earlier one. In this new phase, spirituality is divorced from the ego. It’s a much freer way to live! There’s a lot less to do, because I’m not trying to control anything, including my own spiritual growth. Everything is simply unfolding the way it wants to unfold. My only job is to be open to what’s happening, to be an active participant in the present moment. And then the next present moment, and the next. As you might expect, this is a lot harder to write about than the old way! On the surface it looks like a whole lot of nuthin’ going on. But this is where I am. I’d love to hear whether this resonates with your own experience. I’ve contemplated dismantling my website and business altogether, but I’d also love to continue to be of service if anyone is still interested in exploring this "post-spiritual" world with me. At any rate, I will probably continue to write less often than I used to – I’ll shoot for once a quarter. Thank you all so much for reading, and for being the amazing people that you are!
14 Comments
T
11/1/2019 02:33:28 am
After almost 20 years at the same job, this year I left to join a startup. They value me for the experience I bring to the table, I value them because it has forced me to grow in unexpected ways. And one of those ways is to try to shape but not control what happens. I've seen my spirituality evolve from practice to philosophical discussion this year. Your words completely resonate and I think it partially has to do with the dominant culture - a lot of us are suffering from chaos burnout. I think finding a safe place to rest is imperative. We just can't forget to keep going in the ways we are able to.
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Leah
11/1/2019 03:42:29 am
I hope you don’t quit writing because I will miss you. Like you, I’ve chased after all kinds of “spiritual” solutions. I’ve left the library so many times with hopeful stacks of solutions to all my problems. My email inbox overwhelms me daily with inspirational reading bites that pull me in a million directions. But your words always arrive at the right time and still all the waters. They always resonate perfectly. It’s amazing.
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Angela
11/1/2019 04:42:56 am
I feel you slipping away a bit and I don't like that. I so enjoy your way with words. You have such a gift. Please keep giving. What you express from your soul is a joy to receive. So there should be no timetable, there should be no striving. It is all unfolding just as it wants to. Spiritual questing does not have to be a job. I, too, value those two little books of yours. I travel around a lot and they go with me. Just open up to any page and soak up the insights and wisdom. I wish you a peaceful heart as you continue your journey.
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Sofia
11/1/2019 06:13:40 am
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Irena
11/1/2019 06:25:52 am
Thank you for the nice words you are putting together. I can completely understand you and support you to go the way you started. Take your time, we all need it to bring better fruits afterwards. Whatever you’ll have to give to this word you will when the time is right. Follow your heart and do as it says.
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Kelly
11/1/2019 06:39:30 am
First of all I think you should continue writing because I agree with the others, what you write is very insightful and it is impactful for me. I guess I'm only saying you should for my own selfish reasons. :)
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Jeannie
11/1/2019 04:05:19 pm
I am so glad that you have found your voice again!
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John
11/2/2019 09:06:20 am
Please don’t Quit writing!!!!!
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Margaret Hoey
11/3/2019 10:27:55 am
This all sounds to me like Saint Theresas dark night of the soul. Believe me I’ve been there. And truly you have no obligation to anybody but yourself. I will miss you if you step away from your spiritual writings. Your book 5 things sits on my desk. And you sound so alone then I wish I could reach out and pat you on the hand and say “there there this too shall pass” I would also say to you step back and look with fresh eyes. Pick one little thing to focus on each day no matter how small and then that will give you the energy to sustain you when you confront the big ones. Like did it work about the cats teeth and did it work about yours? Find a little magic even if you don’t believe in pixie dust go seek some out for heaven sake’s before it’s too late and you turn your back on all the most wonderful parts of yourself. Consider me beside you I will be your friend. And if it seems so bad you just don’t wanna do anymore go back to the original— breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out. You’ll make it you just have to get through this bad patch!❤️
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Simona
11/4/2019 02:21:04 pm
💜 Dear Amaya,
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Josue
11/5/2019 05:54:14 am
Thanks for your sincere and honest post.
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Amber
11/14/2019 11:50:00 am
I always enjoy reading your contemplations and reflections. They really resonate with me. It is delightful to hear your honesty, and remember that others have similar spiritual journeys through life. I hope you continue to write. Thank you for your offerings thus far!
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Carolyn
1/24/2020 07:32:16 am
Just found your website- your ebb tide article really resonated with me. Children not immediately being successful, money issues, not finding love for years after divorce. I could’ve been the one writing it! Hope you continue to post and write!
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Ripley
2/12/2020 09:56:44 am
"A life truly lived, constantly burns away veils of illusion, burns away what is no longer relevant, gradually reveals our essence, until at last, we are strong enough to stand in our naked truth".
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